Selfishness

there is a selfishness in being ill and i hate it.  it is the place that scares me; the ability and desire to detach from healthy people and their lives; it is at times just too painful to be the cheerleading observer taking a perpetual back seat to the living.  it is self preservation and it is such a vast departure from my life before that it scares me in my ability to be content in this place.  this place to shut down, close the blinds and have nothing left for the interest in what everyone around me is doing - i simply don't have enough energy for anyone but myself. a myself that is a polar opposite of the person i use to be.  and i have learned to forgive this new person realizing it is a matter of survival but it doesn't mean i have to like this person very much…however i am learning to admire her. and for now that is enough.