default

Most of us have default emotional states...it's where you go when you are particularly vulnerable.  Mine is scared, always has been.  As a somewhat rational adult I can talk myself down, but sometimes it's not my head that goes there it's my body.  This flu has taking me skydiving to terrified-ville.  It's a bad cough and a bunch of days of a fever..it's getting better but the fatigue that has accompanied it is knocking me out.

I got an email from a friend yesterday and you know when happy things make you sad...well that's what happened.  She wrote a few of us b/c she had gone through some old boxes and found all these letters that we had written back and forth in our college days.  And it brought me back to that time of my life and I ached for that person so badly as my mind drifted to that time I no longer recognize myself.  I wrote back to her, that we are lucky that we can look back and realize we didn't waste a minute of our twenties...we lived in this crazy utopia and we never really took it for granted.  Or at least I didn't.

We can't re-create the past and most of us grow and expand, but everyone once in awhile these friends get together and re-live the old days...they drink too much stay out too late and laugh until their stomachs ache.  And the thing is I can't do it.  I can try and tag along for an hour or so but I can't eat the food anymore, can't drink anymore, and all the sweetness seems to be lost sometimes when you have to try so hard.  I am so tired of trying.

So today...I am going to stop.  Stop trying to be different to be better to be well.  I am just going to sit in this space and find a way to find some peace in it.  Because frankly, I'm out of ideas.

Fate found me wonderful friends...Love has kept them close