Experiment

I lied for years.  For years I pretended I felt one thousand times better than I actually did.  I would be at a party and seeing spots in front of my eyes, light headed, and carry on a conversation with enamored enthusiasm all while the majority of my brain was focused on standing up right.  I didn't fight hard enough with the doctor that accused me of being anorexic...I fed into "if we don't understand it, then it's in YOUR head." Which the translation when you are feeling that ill becomes.."It is ALL my FAULT."

And in the past few posts that I have on more than one occasion answered the phone and then immediately replied, "no I am not suicidal..." I realized the pendulum has now swung in the opposite direction.  My posts, are not as much about how crappy it is to feel sick all the time, although they may to the quick observer seem to scream that; in my head it is really more about finding away to "succeed" when this is not what you thought you would be fighting for.  Illness and taking supplements and handling treatments, taking your dog outside, making and cleaning up your own dinner, these have all now become the ways you measure the success of the day.  And at the end of a "normal" day, you stop and think to yourself...really? really you have got be fucking kidding me...this is what it feels like to "win"?

No, not MY LIFE...this was going to be MY life..finish naturopathic medical school, head back to Milwaukee, live in anywhere looking at the Lake, start a holistic practice for the impoverished, go back to weekend Law School at Marquette, spend time working for the Innocence Project...I was going to have BIG WINS....so to to wrap your head around being excited that on Wednesday...you drove yourself to the doctor, had a difficult blood treatment that needed three veins, got in the car yourself, went to the grocery store, let Sophie out, fed Sophie, made yourself dinner, kind of cleaned up that dinner, and took your dog out again...that was a MASSIVE WIN.  Three years ago, I couldn't even get a blood treatment I was too weak.  After that when I did it was once maybe every other week, then it was getting it but sucking down sugar and food and turning my ipod to LOUD to deal with it, so yes...I have come a long way...but it is just so damn hard to wrap your head around that win.

To measure basic daily events as success.  So when it appears I am complaining about being sick, it's not that, it's coming to terms with this new success...what I am fighting for every day...to find the joy to find the happiness to find the feeling of accomplishment in a life derailed by a mystery illness, an unconventional treatment and years of being told...you are NOT sick...

Butterflies and Rainbows

So today, besides my doctor, I am going to do a little experiment...when anyone asks how I am doing I am going to lie again.  I have vented and explained and outlined for those that really know me or care to know what it is really like to have "chronic fatigue".  I have a feeling they get it now...and those who don't never will..so I am going back to lying for a bit and see what happens.  Perhaps if nothing else it is a bit of a break I need.  And back to un-editing this blog for a bit, and rambling more than necessary and well - Fuck Perfect.  And I'm feeling fine today - thanks for asking.  It's all butterflies and rainbows...