Dependency

If we are keeping score, considering the last eight years my health has not been good, it is safe to say the infections have been winning.  In fact it kind of has been a blow out.  Yesterday, as I kept my eyes tightly closed while my blood treatment was happening, at the end I  looked and stared at the remnants that remain.  And it reminds me of what I am fighting...these are the little nasty cohabitants that steal my nutrients, fight for my oxygen, keep me from building muscle mass, irritate my nervous system; they have in fact been ruling my body.  The fact is my treamtents are simple...get clean blood.  The post treatment reactions I have though miserable is the indication that my body is responding to this clean blood and deciding it's about time to even the playing field and start fighting back...so let me introduce you...

Epstein Barr Virus

This illness often feels vauge and misunderstood...but when I see my blood come out and look at all that is getting in my way...it helps to see to believe...I am sick...I am tired...I am emotionally spent and I am dying to heal.  I will do whatever it takes...whatever you tell me to do...I will follow.  They are quite beautiful actually, amazing really, but I am oh so tired of them.  We have co-existed long enough, and they are inhospitable roommates.  I am ready for their lease to expire, need not get your deposit back, no 30 day notice, you are disrupting the peace, so please find the exit and keep on walking.
For those just following...this is a simple explanation of my treatment

Cytomeglovirus - CMV

I am so ready to say good bye to all of you becuase the worst part of this illness is being dependent upon people.  You figure you graduate from college, work, then go back to naturopathic medical school and you will have your independence.  Then this illness strikes and you need to call somoene to come over in the morning because you can't get out of bed to take your dog outside.  You can't get downstairs to eat.  I hate this illness, I hate you EBV, CMV, Staph, Strep and Candida...I hate you for what you steal from me every single day.  I have said before to someone, I hope you are never forced to be dependent on someone, because when you are no matter how hard people try they begin to feel that they have a little bit of an edge over you.  The loss of independence and trying not to be bitter at those that help you - is emotionally draining.  I said to my best friend out here in Phonix, who has been my AMAZING nurse; "damn you must be tired of this illness too"...and she laughed and said sure at times...but then we start over tomorrow.  Yes we do, we start over tomorrow.  And tomorrow we may win.

Strep

Candida

Staph