What If...

I wrote a poem in grade school titled what if...probably should have been a red flag.  When others were writing about ponies and rainbows; I was pondering the what ifs the world contained.  I also wrote a "will" of sorts and gave it to my sister, telling her (nice one Heather, she was five years younger) that if I died I did not want to wear some stuffy suit or dress for eternity - I wanted her to make sure I wore my favorite light pink satin two piece pajamas.  I have battled that what if static in my brain as long as I can remember.

In the book HSP - Highly Sensitive People, it explains this group of people that I seem to fall into and the benefits and strengths this highly sensitive nature can bring.  But unless channeled in an appropriate manner it can be a constant struggle to fend off its destructiveness.

I had to work hard the last few days to push the what ifs aside, mainly because the last two blood treatments left me both physically and mentally bruised.  My one vein most likely has mild Phlebitis and my arms are both sore to the touch.  I don't mind the minor pain, and thank goodness I currently am carrying some extra pounds otherwise I might be confused with a Heroin addict.  What I do mind is the spinning wheel that my mind has become going through the what if scenarios this new symptom has brought with it - What if I have a clot, what if I can't get any more treatments, what if I shouldn't have done the last treatment, what if I get a more serious blood infection, what if I leave Phoenix before the arc of calmness has come back to reside, the never ending tributaries my mind can partake in are endless and exhausting.

My physician called me last night and suggested I come to the office later in the day so I could get myself better hydrated prior to my appointment.  Its been a welcome advent of time not to be rushing around to eat rest eat leave so I took the opportunity this cool day has brought and Sophie and I went out for a short walk.  FIFTEEN MINUTES i repeat FIFTEEN MINUTES i was able to walk without my heart pounding, legs aching, instead I had that feeling as my body as if leaving a cocoon was craving the movement it so often is denied.