happiness

I had never struggled with Happiness prior to this illness.  Its not to say I was previously living in the state of a perpetual musical number with birds chirping and butterflies dancing - I had a bell shaped curve range of emotions like anyone else - two standard deviations in either direction you could find plenty that would not fall under the "happy" category - but in general I didn't know what it felt like to struggle back to the middle.  The first two years of this illness were so wrapped up in confusion and fighting to hang on I didn't have time for much emotion either way.  But as time has passed I have discovered what it feels like to fight for your happiness.

Today started off pretty shaky - but after my doctor appointment something lifted, and a bit of that old set point quietly slipped in - and like the first time you get glasses and you can't believe how clear everything looks - that's what it feels like when inexplicably the effort to just be is lifted.  Your surroundings become crisper and more defined, your feet feel a bit firmer planted to the ground and you no longer have the weight of getting by strapped to your back.  And when all that lifts, I take it in.  I never take it for granted, I don't know if it will hang around for an hour or two or even if I am lucky an entire day - but Sophie and I headed out for a brief walk - and wouldn't you know the birds were chirping -